THE UNDERWHELMING
The Fiver stumbled on our way out of The Fist & Vomit last night, but had enough wit to make the most of the situation, falling into a forward roll on the pavement to make it look like the mishap was intentional. Admittedly, we then rather undermined that impression by booting a postbox in a purple rage when we realised we’d spilled our drink but in a sense that only made the episode more pertinent: we did it, readers, we successfully pulled off a New England manoeuvre – failing with admirable style.
England’s progression from achingly boring losers to quite likeable losers in the space of just four years meant their defeat against Italy in their opening match of the 2014 World Trophy Brought To You In Association With [Fictional Corporation – O Fiverão Lawyers] Bullets and Truncheons was greeted with something approaching dignity by a nation more accustomed to reacting to these things with jingoistic outrage and/or public floggings of scapegoats. OK, so Wayne Rooney has copped flak, seemingly completing his decade-long evolution from England’s bright young hope to the unloved old spoilsport hanging around the national team just to ruin the vibe like a vigilant copper at a teenage rave. But generally the feedback after the Italy defeat was good: never mind the team’s naivety and inept finishing, check out their vim and stones! They got no prizes, readers, except the nation’s heart. The Three Lions have become Eddie the Eagle.
But now Mr Roy demands more. The England manager wants an actual victory, readers, and in keeping with the exciting new zeitgeist that he has fostered in a way that makes him a surprising successor to Pete Townsend and Johnny Rotten, MR ROY IS GOING FOR IT. Once he was considered a conservative but the only thing cautious about this 66-year-old now is the safety pin he wears through his nose. “We saw the other night that even a top team like Italy were tested by our attacking play so we’re not going to put any of our weapons down,” yelled a pogoing Mr Roy ahead of tonight’s do-or-die clash with Uruguay. “We’ve got to make sure that when we get the ball we use it because the sort of players we’ve got are capable of hurting the opposition,” he added while smashing an effigy of Luis Suárez over the head with a guitar. Tonight we may find out that there is a future in England’s dreaming, after all. Either that, or after years of trying England are finally going to emulate Spain.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
Big Website has got a new YouTube football channel. Subscribe today! And there’s also a new app for iOS and Android – details of the football offering are here.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TODAY
There’s the liveblog which will roll on through the day until Colombia 2-0 Ivory Coast with Jacob Steinberg at 5pm BST. Which, in turn, will be followed by Uruguay 2-1 England with Simon Burnton at 8pm and Japan 2-0 Greece at 11pm with Scott Murray.
The Fiver stumbled on our way out of The Fist & Vomit last night, but had enough wit to make the most of the situation, falling into a forward roll on the pavement to make it look like the mishap was intentional. Admittedly, we then rather undermined that impression by booting a postbox in a purple rage when we realised we’d spilled our drink but in a sense that only made the episode more pertinent: we did it, readers, we successfully pulled off a New England manoeuvre – failing with admirable style.
England’s progression from achingly boring losers to quite likeable losers in the space of just four years meant their defeat against Italy in their opening match of the 2014 World Trophy Brought To You In Association With [Fictional Corporation – O Fiverão Lawyers] Bullets and Truncheons was greeted with something approaching dignity by a nation more accustomed to reacting to these things with jingoistic outrage and/or public floggings of scapegoats. OK, so Wayne Rooney has copped flak, seemingly completing his decade-long evolution from England’s bright young hope to the unloved old spoilsport hanging around the national team just to ruin the vibe like a vigilant copper at a teenage rave. But generally the feedback after the Italy defeat was good: never mind the team’s naivety and inept finishing, check out their vim and stones! They got no prizes, readers, except the nation’s heart. The Three Lions have become Eddie the Eagle.
But now Mr Roy demands more. The England manager wants an actual victory, readers, and in keeping with the exciting new zeitgeist that he has fostered in a way that makes him a surprising successor to Pete Townsend and Johnny Rotten, MR ROY IS GOING FOR IT. Once he was considered a conservative but the only thing cautious about this 66-year-old now is the safety pin he wears through his nose. “We saw the other night that even a top team like Italy were tested by our attacking play so we’re not going to put any of our weapons down,” yelled a pogoing Mr Roy ahead of tonight’s do-or-die clash with Uruguay. “We’ve got to make sure that when we get the ball we use it because the sort of players we’ve got are capable of hurting the opposition,” he added while smashing an effigy of Luis Suárez over the head with a guitar. Tonight we may find out that there is a future in England’s dreaming, after all. Either that, or after years of trying England are finally going to emulate Spain.
A BIGGER PLUG THAN ONE FROM THE BFG’S BATH
Big Website has got a new YouTube football channel. Subscribe today! And there’s also a new app for iOS and Android – details of the football offering are here.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE TODAY
There’s the liveblog which will roll on through the day until Colombia 2-0 Ivory Coast with Jacob Steinberg at 5pm BST. Which, in turn, will be followed by Uruguay 2-1 England with Simon Burnton at 8pm and Japan 2-0 Greece at 11pm with Scott Murray.
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